When words fail...

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak
Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain
Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed
Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired
Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made
Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most
Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed
Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most
Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list
You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light

So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled
Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!

Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words

I know its long. I know you probably didnt want to read it all, but I hope you did.  This is my new favorite song. I hope it speaks to you like it does to me.

On My Mind...

Some of the things on my mind lately:
1. I think there was something I was supposed to do before I went to bed, but I forgot what it is.
2. I wish I could appreciate the beauty around me more.
3. John Mark McMillon is my favorite right now.
4. I shouldn't have taken that nap. I am going to be up all night.
5. I am so homesick. I need a mom hug. And to see my dad.
6. I want to serve more and whine less.
7. Its time for reconciliation. God, give me the right words. Amen.
8. I was supposed to find my keys. Aha!
9. I crave transparency, but am raging against vulnerability.
10. I said I wouldn't do it again, but have become emotionally attached.
11. One of my girls went to court Friday morning just to hear her mother tell her that she didn't want to keep her anymore.  How anyone could not love their child is beyond me.  My heart is so broken for this precious child. I love her and would adopt her in a heart-beat.
12. Somedays life is crap.
13. Today, life was good, and I am thankful for both.
14. I get to see half my family next weekend. I cant wait!
15. My heart is filled and overflowing with love and the desire to share it.
16. Some people are put in our lives to make an impression.  My heart is stamped with the names of so many amazing people.
17. I know we havent talked in months, but you still mean the world to me. I love you and am sorry.
18. I dont think she realizes it, but my sister is so much stronger than me. I wish I was more like her.
19. I love Fall.
20. I should go find my keys. Its nice to get my thoughts down here, so they stop running in circles around my head.

Secular

Tonight I crumbled.  I have built up walls around my heart.  Boundaries to keep feeling out, in order to not face the feelings inside me.  Jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred.  So ugly.  Honestly, I am stupid, naive, oblivious.  I get so wrapped up in the world around me.  I find so much that I don't like in the secular world, and in my judging of it, I have become that which I resent.  So wrapped up, I have become the judge, the hater, the condemner, the proud fool.  I have built up resentment towards friends and have lost those friends.  I have judged others, and am finding myself coming up short.  I see the desperation in the world around me and resent it.  I find the ugly, see the bad, ignore how God can work through it. In all the pain, I have lost my focus on God.  I am not just off the path, I am gone. In the middle of this desolate darkness, I couldn't find any paths, wasn't even looking really.  This past week and even the weekend were emotionally wretched. I had completely succeeded in shutting myself in.  I wasn't letting anyone in, and I definitely was not going to be vulnerable. My walls of protection had become my prison. I was shut off.  I was lonely. Even in a group of my most intimate friends I felt lost and so alone.  Not only had I felt shut inside myself, but in my prison, I had come to face my demons.  In looking at what a mess I made, I lost my self-worth.  I felt ugly inside-out. There is so much pain in all that hardness.

So today at church we talked about Gideon and how he felt lower than low. I connected with Gideon.  I had lost faith that God could use someone like me.  Why would he want to use someone who was such a heartless snot?  Throughout the afternoon and tonight I felt so unworthy. Why was I such a wreck? Why was I in so much pain emotionally? Where was God? Why couldnt I feel Him? Why wasnt He listening? Why? Finally, as I am laying, trying unsuccessfully to sleep, I start thinking. Listening to John Mark McMillon singing about going and washing it away in the Carolina Tide, I broke. Crying for an hour uncontrollably, I faced my pain, my anguish, and my sorrow. I finally let God break through my prison.  While I was hiding, He was working.  My tears helped wash it all away, His love enveloped me. Instead of hearing Satan shouting in my ear "You are unworthy, you are so ugly," I heard God saying "You are mine. I am here. You are okay. I love you. I have got you." So here I sit. I have cried enough tears to last forever. But I have peace. God is with me. I may be breakable, but thats okay, because He is not. Even in my darkest time, when I am running full force away from Him, God is never gone.  He was always there waiting for me to turn around.

The Monster Inside Me

There is a boy. He is five years old. To say he is a heathen, is an understatement. Monster...that's more like it. He is bigger than any kid his age and half the ones older than him. He strikes fear into the hearts of his fellow students, his teachers, his family. He hits, punches, tackles, pushes, throws, and bullies. He has no respect for anyone or anything. At five he has built up walls around his heart thicker than even mine. He is a manipulator and if you ask he'll tell you he likes being a bully and doesn't need friends. He has seen things and knows things that no child or adult should have to experience. He lives in a world of alcohol induced hate, gang related violence, and fearful neglect. He is physically provided for, but has been abandoned emotionally.

This boy, this monster, is in my class. He is my favorite child ever. He drives me crazy. He makes me want to scream. He continually makes me cry, provides me with bruises andheadaches, and sometimes makes me question my career choice. He has broken my heart. I love him like my mother loves me. My heart yearns to take him home, show him love like God shows me. I just want to hold himand tell him it's okay. If you truly ask, he'll tell you that he wants more friends, that he wants to grow up and do great things. He wants to be a cop when he grows up so that he "can protect other kid's cousins from gangs." Buried deep in his heart is a well of emotion and love that I very rarely get to see, but I know it's there. I know that if there can be just one person to love him unconditionally, someone who will not give up on him, he WILL do great things. He has gotten under my skin. He is embedded in my heart. He is the monster in me, my thoughts, my prayers, and my hopes.