Rest

I am feeling drained. Burnt out. Insufficient.
Like a lightbulb in its last minutes, when it can barely glow at all.
To say I am a control freak, perfectionist, power driven, over ambitious, proud, or stubborn person would all be too true. Winning qualities-to be sure!
I am constantly striving to make everyone happy. I am constantly striving to make everyone proud of me. I am constantly striving to live up to this perfect image I demand of myself, and project for others to see.
I am constantly failing. Where others are happy, I'm lonely and broken. I can never seem to make everyone proud of me. I'll never live up to everyone else's expectations. And the perfect image I project is a facade to hide my feelings of failure and inadequacy.
Tonight in my devotions I was reading in Isaiah 30, and around verse 15 God finally broke through to me. "God , the Master, The Holy of Israel, has this solemn counsel: “Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on me— The very thing you’ve been unwilling to do. You’ve said, ‘Nothing doing! We’ll rush off on horseback!’ You’ll rush off, all right! Just not far enough! You’ve said, ‘We’ll ride off on fast horses!’ Do you think your pursuers ride old nags? Think again: A thousand of you will scatter before one attacker. Before a mere five you’ll all run off. There’ll be nothing left of you— a flagpole on a hill with no flag, a signpost on a roadside with the sign torn off.” (Isaiah 30:15-17 MSG)
It's a bit long, but it is the EXACT thing I needed to hear. I am continuously searching for the strength to be one step better, to impress one more person. I seek strength to make a difference. I just want to matter. In all of my searching however, I've left out God. I neglect scripture and prayer, and I mostly forget to rest in God. He is where my strength will truly come from. He is the only one I should live my life for. I need to stop struggling to be better for everyone else, and take a minute to trust and depend solely on Him, so that His strength can flow through me and I can truly make a difference for His kingdom.
I know I am where God wants me. I know God has a plan for me. I know God is using me to touch lives. So, for now, I am finished trying to justify myself, and I am depending on God fully to use me however He knows is best.

Beautiful....

   "You are five times uglier than you perceive yourself to be."  That is the first thing I read when I opened Pinterest the other day. What a message to be sending out to the millions of women who browse that site daily. I know the site is kept running by the pins anyone can post...and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but really?!

    That one pin, that one opinion, was devastating. I am going to be very honest, and I am not fishing for compliments. I have struggled with self-worth for as long as I can remember. There are so many times that I do not feel that I am pretty or beautiful. I do not feel that I am the kind of attractive that I am told I should be. There are many days where I avoid the mirror, unless it is a complete necessity. There are many days that I cannot look people in the eye, because I am afraid that I will see my horrible self image reflected in their eyes, and that they will believe it, like I believe it. 

    Beauty is preached through every media outlet. It focuses on appearance. We must be a certain size, a certain height. Our skin must always be flawless. We should not have freckles. We cannot have pimples. Tans are in. Porcelain skin is the standard. Don't even think about having a red splotch or any discoloration! Our noses must be cute and small. Wrinkles are unattractive. Laugh lines are frowned upon. Aging is unacceptable. We cannot have curves. We must have curves. Our teeth should be perfectly straight. Our hair should never be frizzy, or have fly-aways, or be even a bit out of place. Our clothes must be impeccable, and of course they should fit us as they do the stick figure mannequin. Our bodies must be perfectly toned and sculpted. The list goes on and on. Full of contradictions, and unattainable standards. The word tells us that to be beautiful, we all have to fit that mold. The mold that you can see in magazines and all over television. That mold is the beauty standard. That mold is a lie.

      From the time we can start comprehending beauty, we are told that we are ugly. We are told that unless we conform, we are unworthy. We are told that beauty equals physical appearance. Beauty is so much different than that. I have been blessed to have wonderful people in my life to teach me the truth about beauty. Beauty is about who you are, not what you are. It comes from within. It manifests in the way you live your life, how you treat others, your actions, and your words. The most attractive things in the world are the ones that are so often over looked. Honesty, integrity, hard work, sacrificing our own energy to bring happiness to someone else. Beauty is found in the person who has no energy or joy to spare, but smiles and gives their last to someone else. Beauty is reaching out to someone, when you feel you have nothing left to give. Beauty is sharing all the love God has bestowed on your life, with someone who may not feel loved otherwise.

 There is a saying that we are told at church camp, and growing up in youth groups, "God created you, and God does not create ugly!" Yes, its cliche and overused, but its true. God created every part of you, without a mold. He designed you from head to toe, but more importantly, He created your insides. He loves you and does not for a second consider anyone of us to be ugly. I have a tattoo on my wrist that I look at all the time. It says "love." It is simple, but it is a reminder of God's love for me. God's love for us is unfathomable. He sees in us incredible beauty, He created us to live beautiful lives. I desire to live a beautiful life; a life that uplifts others, and makes them feel beautiful from the inside. 

Challenge

My favorite songs right now are "How He Loves" and "10,000 Reasons." They both reach past all the ugly walls around my heart, and make me feel. I am reminded that God's love for me is more magnanimous than I will ever understand. It is higher, deeper, stronger than anything I could ever imagine. My favorite part of "How He Loves" makes me yearn to love God and love others the way God loves me.

"And we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, 
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, 
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets, 
When I think about, the way..."

"10,000 Reasons" reminds me that there is so much more than just my pettiness in life. In the end, none of the frustrations are that important, the gossip is meaningless, the clothes will be ugly in 100 years, the desire to make everyone happy means nothing if it is not for God. I am absolutely positive that in a week, I express or internalize at least 10,000 things that frustrate me. I have gone beyond venting, and have become a complainer. Complaining is ugly and in no way glorifies God around us or in us. Instead, I have set a goal. I am going to express 10,000 things that I am grateful for. Maybe it'll change my outlook.

In all the frustrations of life, I sometimes forget the greatest member fighting alongside me. I become so wrapped up in myself, that I go without reading my Bible or praying for very long times. I ignore God's quiet whisperings that He loves me and wants a real relationship with me. I put my ultra-reinforced walls up around my heart, pretend to be tough, and shut everyone out. I isolate myself from the negativity, but also from the positive and beautiful things God has for me. I am determined to love others, and to turn my whining into praising!

Reminders...

I've been questioning God lately. Why am I working in a daycare, when I have a degree? Why am I not moving up more quickly? When am I going to teach in a public school? Most of my questions are totally selfish...notice the "I?!" I am pushy and am usually good at getting what I want, or am stubborn enough to keep asking until I get it. That's not the way God operates. I think God is telling me the same thing I keep telling others, "I work with children, I can tune out the whining...it's not about you." Today was different, God opened my eyes, broke my heart and reminded me why I don't have a "real teaching job."

Let me break this down for you...its going to be long, but I hope it lets you see why I am where I am.
Lets start with 11 year old J and his 6 year old brother S. To say these two boys are rough around the edges is ludicrous. J is continually snapping at the other kids in my classroom. He screams, yells profanities, and makes kids cry. This mainly happens when he is stressed or overloaded with noise. S, his brother, is a very dominant personality in my room. He also likes to yell, tell people to shut-up and visit various undesirable places, and generally makes his presence known in EVERY way possible. Today I found out why they "act out." Both boys and a younger sibling, who has been separated from them since they have been put in foster care, were abused. They were raised, using that term entirely loosely, by a mother whose brains are completely fried from the copious amounts of drugs coursing through her system, and a "father/boyfriend" that is an irate drunk. They hated that they had kids, would not bathe the kids, would not cook for the kids, would not buy groceries for the kids, pretty much just pretended there were no kids. That is, unless they heard the kids.  If they heard the kids, they would beat the kids. If they cried, they got beat harder. Take every horror story you have ever heard about abusive, neglectful parents and put it all together and that is what these poor children had to deal with. J, the 11 yr old, had to take care of the kids and try to keep them quiet. He got the worst of the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. He can't handle loud noise because of what he has endured. S, was never cared for by anyone but his brother...no wonder he wants attention. Now they are trying to reformat their lives in the "normalcy" of foster care. They are making progress, but ultimately just need to be loved by good adults around them. No one should have to go through the things they have; I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

These boys aren't my only foster students. I have two sisters that were sexually abused and neglected. They were put into foster care after their father was thrown in jail for drug trafficking.  Their mother flat out told the oldest girl that she could never love her, and does not ever want to see her again. These girls are 6 and 3. The oldest has never had anyone in her life who has wanted to love her or care for her. I wish I had the means to adopt them.

Out of 45 kids that are in both of my classes every day, I have two families with both a mom and a dad. Most of my kids have no dad. A handful have no mother. I have parents that won't even walk into the building to pick their kids up! One mother sent her friend in to pick up her son, because she was to busy sitting on her butt in the car. I have parents who won't take five minutes to tell their kids they love them, or to brush their kid's hair, or to teach them how to behave. One mother is condoning a thug lifestyle for her 6 yr old son, because she thinks he looks cute with his saggy jeans, pierced ears, and bad attitude.

God reminded why I am were I am right now, why I'm not a "real teacher." These kids, my 45 wonderful, beautiful children need to be loved. I am not ONLY here to teach them how to write their ABC's, or their numbers, or to help them with division. I teach those kids that they are loved, if only by me. I teach them that they are important. I teach them that they have value. I teach them that there is a world open to them that is bigger than their circumstances. I share the love God gave me with every one of my children. My students mean the world to me, and I am teaching in a daycare, with a degree, with limited pay, while waiting for a "real teaching job" because my kids need me. I need them too. I love all 45 like my mother loves me.

"I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God. I will trust in His love forever and ever." Psalm 52:8

I love this.

When words fail...

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak
Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain
Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed
Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired
Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made
Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most
Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed
Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine
Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most
Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list
You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light

So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled
Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!

Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words

I know its long. I know you probably didnt want to read it all, but I hope you did.  This is my new favorite song. I hope it speaks to you like it does to me.

On My Mind...

Some of the things on my mind lately:
1. I think there was something I was supposed to do before I went to bed, but I forgot what it is.
2. I wish I could appreciate the beauty around me more.
3. John Mark McMillon is my favorite right now.
4. I shouldn't have taken that nap. I am going to be up all night.
5. I am so homesick. I need a mom hug. And to see my dad.
6. I want to serve more and whine less.
7. Its time for reconciliation. God, give me the right words. Amen.
8. I was supposed to find my keys. Aha!
9. I crave transparency, but am raging against vulnerability.
10. I said I wouldn't do it again, but have become emotionally attached.
11. One of my girls went to court Friday morning just to hear her mother tell her that she didn't want to keep her anymore.  How anyone could not love their child is beyond me.  My heart is so broken for this precious child. I love her and would adopt her in a heart-beat.
12. Somedays life is crap.
13. Today, life was good, and I am thankful for both.
14. I get to see half my family next weekend. I cant wait!
15. My heart is filled and overflowing with love and the desire to share it.
16. Some people are put in our lives to make an impression.  My heart is stamped with the names of so many amazing people.
17. I know we havent talked in months, but you still mean the world to me. I love you and am sorry.
18. I dont think she realizes it, but my sister is so much stronger than me. I wish I was more like her.
19. I love Fall.
20. I should go find my keys. Its nice to get my thoughts down here, so they stop running in circles around my head.