Tonight I crumbled. I have built up walls around my heart. Boundaries to keep feeling out, in order to not face the feelings inside me. Jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred. So ugly. Honestly, I am stupid, naive, oblivious. I get so wrapped up in the world around me. I find so much that I don't like in the secular world, and in my judging of it, I have become that which I resent. So wrapped up, I have become the judge, the hater, the condemner, the proud fool. I have built up resentment towards friends and have lost those friends. I have judged others, and am finding myself coming up short. I see the desperation in the world around me and resent it. I find the ugly, see the bad, ignore how God can work through it. In all the pain, I have lost my focus on God. I am not just off the path, I am gone. In the middle of this desolate darkness, I couldn't find any paths, wasn't even looking really. This past week and even the weekend were emotionally wretched. I had completely succeeded in shutting myself in. I wasn't letting anyone in, and I definitely was not going to be vulnerable. My walls of protection had become my prison. I was shut off. I was lonely. Even in a group of my most intimate friends I felt lost and so alone. Not only had I felt shut inside myself, but in my prison, I had come to face my demons. In looking at what a mess I made, I lost my self-worth. I felt ugly inside-out. There is so much pain in all that hardness.
So today at church we talked about Gideon and how he felt lower than low. I connected with Gideon. I had lost faith that God could use someone like me. Why would he want to use someone who was such a heartless snot? Throughout the afternoon and tonight I felt so unworthy. Why was I such a wreck? Why was I in so much pain emotionally? Where was God? Why couldnt I feel Him? Why wasnt He listening? Why? Finally, as I am laying, trying unsuccessfully to sleep, I start thinking. Listening to John Mark McMillon singing about going and washing it away in the Carolina Tide, I broke. Crying for an hour uncontrollably, I faced my pain, my anguish, and my sorrow. I finally let God break through my prison. While I was hiding, He was working. My tears helped wash it all away, His love enveloped me. Instead of hearing Satan shouting in my ear "You are unworthy, you are so ugly," I heard God saying "You are mine. I am here. You are okay. I love you. I have got you." So here I sit. I have cried enough tears to last forever. But I have peace. God is with me. I may be breakable, but thats okay, because He is not. Even in my darkest time, when I am running full force away from Him, God is never gone. He was always there waiting for me to turn around.
