I've been questioning God lately. Why am I working in a daycare, when I have a degree? Why am I not moving up more quickly? When am I going to teach in a public school? Most of my questions are totally selfish...notice the "I?!" I am pushy and am usually good at getting what I want, or am stubborn enough to keep asking until I get it. That's not the way God operates. I think God is telling me the same thing I keep telling others, "I work with children, I can tune out the whining...it's not about you." Today was different, God opened my eyes, broke my heart and reminded me why I don't have a "real teaching job."
Let me break this down for you...its going to be long, but I hope it lets you see why I am where I am.
Lets start with 11 year old J and his 6 year old brother S. To say these two boys are rough around the edges is ludicrous. J is continually snapping at the other kids in my classroom. He screams, yells profanities, and makes kids cry. This mainly happens when he is stressed or overloaded with noise. S, his brother, is a very dominant personality in my room. He also likes to yell, tell people to shut-up and visit various undesirable places, and generally makes his presence known in EVERY way possible. Today I found out why they "act out." Both boys and a younger sibling, who has been separated from them since they have been put in foster care, were abused. They were raised, using that term entirely loosely, by a mother whose brains are completely fried from the copious amounts of drugs coursing through her system, and a "father/boyfriend" that is an irate drunk. They hated that they had kids, would not bathe the kids, would not cook for the kids, would not buy groceries for the kids, pretty much just pretended there were no kids. That is, unless they heard the kids. If they heard the kids, they would beat the kids. If they cried, they got beat harder. Take every horror story you have ever heard about abusive, neglectful parents and put it all together and that is what these poor children had to deal with. J, the 11 yr old, had to take care of the kids and try to keep them quiet. He got the worst of the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. He can't handle loud noise because of what he has endured. S, was never cared for by anyone but his brother...no wonder he wants attention. Now they are trying to reformat their lives in the "normalcy" of foster care. They are making progress, but ultimately just need to be loved by good adults around them. No one should have to go through the things they have; I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
These boys aren't my only foster students. I have two sisters that were sexually abused and neglected. They were put into foster care after their father was thrown in jail for drug trafficking. Their mother flat out told the oldest girl that she could never love her, and does not ever want to see her again. These girls are 6 and 3. The oldest has never had anyone in her life who has wanted to love her or care for her. I wish I had the means to adopt them.
Out of 45 kids that are in both of my classes every day, I have two families with both a mom and a dad. Most of my kids have no dad. A handful have no mother. I have parents that won't even walk into the building to pick their kids up! One mother sent her friend in to pick up her son, because she was to busy sitting on her butt in the car. I have parents who won't take five minutes to tell their kids they love them, or to brush their kid's hair, or to teach them how to behave. One mother is condoning a thug lifestyle for her 6 yr old son, because she thinks he looks cute with his saggy jeans, pierced ears, and bad attitude.
God reminded why I am were I am right now, why I'm not a "real teacher." These kids, my 45 wonderful, beautiful children need to be loved. I am not ONLY here to teach them how to write their ABC's, or their numbers, or to help them with division. I teach those kids that they are loved, if only by me. I teach them that they are important. I teach them that they have value. I teach them that there is a world open to them that is bigger than their circumstances. I share the love God gave me with every one of my children. My students mean the world to me, and I am teaching in a daycare, with a degree, with limited pay, while waiting for a "real teaching job" because my kids need me. I need them too. I love all 45 like my mother loves me.
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