Rest

I am feeling drained. Burnt out. Insufficient.
Like a lightbulb in its last minutes, when it can barely glow at all.
To say I am a control freak, perfectionist, power driven, over ambitious, proud, or stubborn person would all be too true. Winning qualities-to be sure!
I am constantly striving to make everyone happy. I am constantly striving to make everyone proud of me. I am constantly striving to live up to this perfect image I demand of myself, and project for others to see.
I am constantly failing. Where others are happy, I'm lonely and broken. I can never seem to make everyone proud of me. I'll never live up to everyone else's expectations. And the perfect image I project is a facade to hide my feelings of failure and inadequacy.
Tonight in my devotions I was reading in Isaiah 30, and around verse 15 God finally broke through to me. "God , the Master, The Holy of Israel, has this solemn counsel: “Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on me— The very thing you’ve been unwilling to do. You’ve said, ‘Nothing doing! We’ll rush off on horseback!’ You’ll rush off, all right! Just not far enough! You’ve said, ‘We’ll ride off on fast horses!’ Do you think your pursuers ride old nags? Think again: A thousand of you will scatter before one attacker. Before a mere five you’ll all run off. There’ll be nothing left of you— a flagpole on a hill with no flag, a signpost on a roadside with the sign torn off.” (Isaiah 30:15-17 MSG)
It's a bit long, but it is the EXACT thing I needed to hear. I am continuously searching for the strength to be one step better, to impress one more person. I seek strength to make a difference. I just want to matter. In all of my searching however, I've left out God. I neglect scripture and prayer, and I mostly forget to rest in God. He is where my strength will truly come from. He is the only one I should live my life for. I need to stop struggling to be better for everyone else, and take a minute to trust and depend solely on Him, so that His strength can flow through me and I can truly make a difference for His kingdom.
I know I am where God wants me. I know God has a plan for me. I know God is using me to touch lives. So, for now, I am finished trying to justify myself, and I am depending on God fully to use me however He knows is best.