Tonight I crumbled. I have built up walls around my heart. Boundaries to keep feeling out, in order to not face the feelings inside me. Jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred. So ugly. Honestly, I am stupid, naive, oblivious. I get so wrapped up in the world around me. I find so much that I don't like in the secular world, and in my judging of it, I have become that which I resent. So wrapped up, I have become the judge, the hater, the condemner, the proud fool. I have built up resentment towards friends and have lost those friends. I have judged others, and am finding myself coming up short. I see the desperation in the world around me and resent it. I find the ugly, see the bad, ignore how God can work through it. In all the pain, I have lost my focus on God. I am not just off the path, I am gone. In the middle of this desolate darkness, I couldn't find any paths, wasn't even looking really. This past week and even the weekend were emotionally wretched. I had completely succeeded in shutting myself in. I wasn't letting anyone in, and I definitely was not going to be vulnerable. My walls of protection had become my prison. I was shut off. I was lonely. Even in a group of my most intimate friends I felt lost and so alone. Not only had I felt shut inside myself, but in my prison, I had come to face my demons. In looking at what a mess I made, I lost my self-worth. I felt ugly inside-out. There is so much pain in all that hardness.
So today at church we talked about Gideon and how he felt lower than low. I connected with Gideon. I had lost faith that God could use someone like me. Why would he want to use someone who was such a heartless snot? Throughout the afternoon and tonight I felt so unworthy. Why was I such a wreck? Why was I in so much pain emotionally? Where was God? Why couldnt I feel Him? Why wasnt He listening? Why? Finally, as I am laying, trying unsuccessfully to sleep, I start thinking. Listening to John Mark McMillon singing about going and washing it away in the Carolina Tide, I broke. Crying for an hour uncontrollably, I faced my pain, my anguish, and my sorrow. I finally let God break through my prison. While I was hiding, He was working. My tears helped wash it all away, His love enveloped me. Instead of hearing Satan shouting in my ear "You are unworthy, you are so ugly," I heard God saying "You are mine. I am here. You are okay. I love you. I have got you." So here I sit. I have cried enough tears to last forever. But I have peace. God is with me. I may be breakable, but thats okay, because He is not. Even in my darkest time, when I am running full force away from Him, God is never gone. He was always there waiting for me to turn around.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Monster Inside Me
There is a boy. He is five years old. To say he is a heathen, is an understatement. Monster...that's more like it. He is bigger than any kid his age and half the ones older than him. He strikes fear into the hearts of his fellow students, his teachers, his family. He hits, punches, tackles, pushes, throws, and bullies. He has no respect for anyone or anything. At five he has built up walls around his heart thicker than even mine. He is a manipulator and if you ask he'll tell you he likes being a bully and doesn't need friends. He has seen things and knows things that no child or adult should have to experience. He lives in a world of alcohol induced hate, gang related violence, and fearful neglect. He is physically provided for, but has been abandoned emotionally.
This boy, this monster, is in my class. He is my favorite child ever. He drives me crazy. He makes me want to scream. He continually makes me cry, provides me with bruises andheadaches, and sometimes makes me question my career choice. He has broken my heart. I love him like my mother loves me. My heart yearns to take him home, show him love like God shows me. I just want to hold himand tell him it's okay. If you truly ask, he'll tell you that he wants more friends, that he wants to grow up and do great things. He wants to be a cop when he grows up so that he "can protect other kid's cousins from gangs." Buried deep in his heart is a well of emotion and love that I very rarely get to see, but I know it's there. I know that if there can be just one person to love him unconditionally, someone who will not give up on him, he WILL do great things. He has gotten under my skin. He is embedded in my heart. He is the monster in me, my thoughts, my prayers, and my hopes.
This boy, this monster, is in my class. He is my favorite child ever. He drives me crazy. He makes me want to scream. He continually makes me cry, provides me with bruises andheadaches, and sometimes makes me question my career choice. He has broken my heart. I love him like my mother loves me. My heart yearns to take him home, show him love like God shows me. I just want to hold himand tell him it's okay. If you truly ask, he'll tell you that he wants more friends, that he wants to grow up and do great things. He wants to be a cop when he grows up so that he "can protect other kid's cousins from gangs." Buried deep in his heart is a well of emotion and love that I very rarely get to see, but I know it's there. I know that if there can be just one person to love him unconditionally, someone who will not give up on him, he WILL do great things. He has gotten under my skin. He is embedded in my heart. He is the monster in me, my thoughts, my prayers, and my hopes.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Beginning of Something New...
So, I realized I always talk about my Bucket List, but I have never written it down. Somehow writing it down will help make it more real and maybe inspire me to act on it more. Here goes:
1. Fulfill God's purpose for my life. Who knows what it will be or where I'll end up, but I am determined to go to the ends of the world if that is what God has for me.
2. Have a family. As much as I say I don't want to get married or have kids, I really do want both. I want to be a strong Christian wife and leader for my family.
3. Keep learning. It doesn't have to be anything important, but I never want to stop learning about God, the world, people, whatever.
4. Change someone's life. I don't know how it will be done, but I want to make an impact and change someone's life for the better.
5. Make the world better. Maybe it's not possible, but I want to work my hardest to see it happen.
6. Love the unloveable. Those who are weary, downtrodden, who suffer, who don't feel loved, the neglected, the needy, the one's who will break your heart into a billion pieces...those are the people I want to be with, to love, and to serve.
7. Get a Master's in Psychology.
8. Go to Med School.
9. Get my pilot's license. I desperately want to fly!
10. Visit every country.
11. Speak Spanish, French, and Italian fluently.
12. Run a marathon.
13. Teach. I don't want to just teach, but I want to help the most stubborn onery child learn. I want the kid nobody else wants.
14. Adopt.
15. Share my faith more.
16. Appreciate the beauty around me.
17. Sit on the beach in Hawaii with my amazing mom and wonderful step-mom, enjoying the awesomeness that God has given us.
18. Judge less, love more.
19. Live transparently.
20. Rise above the standards that have been set for me.
I am certain this will be added to, often. Hopefully it will be crossed off too.
1. Fulfill God's purpose for my life. Who knows what it will be or where I'll end up, but I am determined to go to the ends of the world if that is what God has for me.
2. Have a family. As much as I say I don't want to get married or have kids, I really do want both. I want to be a strong Christian wife and leader for my family.
3. Keep learning. It doesn't have to be anything important, but I never want to stop learning about God, the world, people, whatever.
4. Change someone's life. I don't know how it will be done, but I want to make an impact and change someone's life for the better.
5. Make the world better. Maybe it's not possible, but I want to work my hardest to see it happen.
6. Love the unloveable. Those who are weary, downtrodden, who suffer, who don't feel loved, the neglected, the needy, the one's who will break your heart into a billion pieces...those are the people I want to be with, to love, and to serve.
7. Get a Master's in Psychology.
8. Go to Med School.
9. Get my pilot's license. I desperately want to fly!
10. Visit every country.
11. Speak Spanish, French, and Italian fluently.
12. Run a marathon.
13. Teach. I don't want to just teach, but I want to help the most stubborn onery child learn. I want the kid nobody else wants.
14. Adopt.
15. Share my faith more.
16. Appreciate the beauty around me.
17. Sit on the beach in Hawaii with my amazing mom and wonderful step-mom, enjoying the awesomeness that God has given us.
18. Judge less, love more.
19. Live transparently.
20. Rise above the standards that have been set for me.
I am certain this will be added to, often. Hopefully it will be crossed off too.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Cori Mae and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day...
There was once a girl named Cori. She was a lucky girl. She had good friends and a great family. Life was going well. In November, Cori had a very good weekend. She got her last certification test out of the way, spent time with fun friends, caught up with friends she had not seen in awhile, and had a wonderful Sunday morning church service. In all it was a terrific, fantastic, fun, very good weekend.
However, life turns in circles and every good thing seems to have an opposite. Today was my day spent as Alexander, with a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! My teacher was absent and I had no sub. That would have been fine, but my kids took it upon themselves to be demonic today. I don't know what possessed them, but it was outrageous! Almost hilarious, after the fact. So, I make it through school and leave, just to discover that somehow I had a flat tire. I made it to a 7-11 to get free air. As I start pumping, I discover that somehow I ran over something and have a hole in my tire. Every bit of air I am putting into that tire is shooting out of the hole! And of course, my phone was dead! So there I sit at 7-11 in my pretty teacher clothes, dumb me decided to wear a skirt today, trying to jack up my car so I can change my tire. This would have worked, I do know how to change a tire (thanks mom), however it was windy and freezing and my fingers were numb. So an easy job turned into a 45 minute struggle to get my jack to work. Finally some guy decided to take pity on my freezing ineptitude and changed my tire for me. So, knowing that I shouldn't take the highway to get back to the North part of the city, I try to find my way back. I only thought I knew my way around. Ha, that was a fun experience. I spent about an hour lost, didn't make it back in time to work, had enough time to print out my papers for class, go to class and discover there is no class.
So here I sit. I am finally home. In a warm apartment, thanking God that today is over. It could have been so much worse. Something bad could have happened, instead of a few inconviences. God took care of me again, and made sure that I wasnt hurt. From now I will keep my phone charged, and will keep trusting. Reading back through this, it wasn't that horrible of a day, and is almost funny...almost.
However, life turns in circles and every good thing seems to have an opposite. Today was my day spent as Alexander, with a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! My teacher was absent and I had no sub. That would have been fine, but my kids took it upon themselves to be demonic today. I don't know what possessed them, but it was outrageous! Almost hilarious, after the fact. So, I make it through school and leave, just to discover that somehow I had a flat tire. I made it to a 7-11 to get free air. As I start pumping, I discover that somehow I ran over something and have a hole in my tire. Every bit of air I am putting into that tire is shooting out of the hole! And of course, my phone was dead! So there I sit at 7-11 in my pretty teacher clothes, dumb me decided to wear a skirt today, trying to jack up my car so I can change my tire. This would have worked, I do know how to change a tire (thanks mom), however it was windy and freezing and my fingers were numb. So an easy job turned into a 45 minute struggle to get my jack to work. Finally some guy decided to take pity on my freezing ineptitude and changed my tire for me. So, knowing that I shouldn't take the highway to get back to the North part of the city, I try to find my way back. I only thought I knew my way around. Ha, that was a fun experience. I spent about an hour lost, didn't make it back in time to work, had enough time to print out my papers for class, go to class and discover there is no class.
So here I sit. I am finally home. In a warm apartment, thanking God that today is over. It could have been so much worse. Something bad could have happened, instead of a few inconviences. God took care of me again, and made sure that I wasnt hurt. From now I will keep my phone charged, and will keep trusting. Reading back through this, it wasn't that horrible of a day, and is almost funny...almost.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Oh, Those Questions
Do you ever feel like you're wasting time? Like you aren't quite doing what God wants you to be doing? Like you're stuck? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Why is it so aggrivating to me that I can't know God's plan right away?
This semester has been super aggrivating for me. Student Teaching has been highly beneficial and I feel like I am prepared to teach. However, at the same time I am chomping at the bit. I feel like I am wasting time. I teach all day, work until six in the evenings, have class, planning, homework from my other classes, and am still expected to have a social life. Being a very social person, the social life comes easy. The teaching is fun and I look forward to it every morning. However, the classes, the homework, and the other mundane tasks that I keep running into just feel like roadblocks. I am tired of jumping through hoops and "performing dog tricks" just to be successful as a teacher. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I do not like it.
But I know God has something planned for me that is so much more than what I am facing now. I have wonderful friends who put up with my rantings, a good school who looks out for me and my future, and a great family who has my back through it all. I may not know exactly what God has in my future. That scares me more than is imaginable. I may not always be happy with where I am, but I know I am preparing for something incredibly amazing. In truth, I have daily freak-outs about life and graduation. I am scared to death! I hate not knowing where I am going, or when, or with who, or whatever. God has it all, and will guide it all. As long as I have faith in Him, I know it all be okay. Life will be awesome and I am as excited about living as I am scared.
This semester has been super aggrivating for me. Student Teaching has been highly beneficial and I feel like I am prepared to teach. However, at the same time I am chomping at the bit. I feel like I am wasting time. I teach all day, work until six in the evenings, have class, planning, homework from my other classes, and am still expected to have a social life. Being a very social person, the social life comes easy. The teaching is fun and I look forward to it every morning. However, the classes, the homework, and the other mundane tasks that I keep running into just feel like roadblocks. I am tired of jumping through hoops and "performing dog tricks" just to be successful as a teacher. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I do not like it.
But I know God has something planned for me that is so much more than what I am facing now. I have wonderful friends who put up with my rantings, a good school who looks out for me and my future, and a great family who has my back through it all. I may not know exactly what God has in my future. That scares me more than is imaginable. I may not always be happy with where I am, but I know I am preparing for something incredibly amazing. In truth, I have daily freak-outs about life and graduation. I am scared to death! I hate not knowing where I am going, or when, or with who, or whatever. God has it all, and will guide it all. As long as I have faith in Him, I know it all be okay. Life will be awesome and I am as excited about living as I am scared.
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